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and the English Cause, hich I did not feel. I had to condemn the
Allies, and then to think of that dark August afternoon in Geneva
when we had nothing more, no money for tomorrow's food and I dea
pairingly would go to the French Consulate to enlist in the French
Army, to which all my sympathy went, to secure my wife the one Frank
and fifty per day. I wish now I had done it. Hy Life would have le
been honourable, and even when I was killed, it would have been an
honourable death – instead of this Life's disgrace now I had to
show sympathy with the Germans, which a wrath filled me for the
cruel treatment, they had submitted me to. All these lies, day after day, hour after hour! My whole existence one uncensing, con-
tinuous Lie I never met another member of "the comité", and was
glad for that. I could not have lied in the same way to two of
them. I would have betrayed myself. I convinced, with new lies,
my Boy, that it should be wrong to confer with the "conite",
ought not to be in a position to betray them; in a revolutionary
organisation, I said, no one ought to know the others, etc.
to invent hundred things to remain alone with the Boy.
I went to herein, but my sinews could not stand this any longer.
Holland; should wait there, what they should decide, 30 I said.
I
I had
I succeeded
At the Dutch frontier in Bentheim I had fresh occasion to hate the
I had to go Germans for their crude and scornful treatment of me.
away from Berlin. In the last days it semed that some mistrust
came into the "comité". May be on account of all my lies; perhaps
The Boy gave me to because I insisted on being not known by them. understand that they had to be very careful for English Spies.
Berlin was full of English Spies, so they said.
I supposed.
to take me for an English spy,
Ios, they began
These revolutionists
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